I have so many good things happening right now that I am not going to rock the boat for anything.  Seriously, things are FINALLY starting to come together and I could not be more excited about the future.  Today I had a wonderful conversation with one of my former co-worker’s manager (we all work for the same company) and I was just blown away by what the guy who has never met me is going to do for me and my career.  He is willing to pass on my information and talk to others who may potentially have a role for me all because he has so much respect for my former co-worker and she is endorsing me.  Wow.  I cannot believe the amazing support.

Also, one of my former managers has put in a good word for me for another potential role.  Not to toot my own horn, but it is a testament to my work ethic and the job I accomplish that so many people are working behind the scenes to help me.  Granted, I am taking it all with a grain of salt because I have fallen into the trap of people telling me that they were going to pass my info along and nothing happens.  So, I am be caustically optimistic, but optimistic none the less.  (Please let me be in a new job before April peak!)

Also my renter is staying for at least another 6 months and agrees with the rent increase so I am ecstatic on the home front too.  And I get to go to Tahoe in less than 2 weeks!  Yippee!  I cannot wait to get out of the city, hang with my family, and just relax.  The cheery on top of this trip would be if I had a new job to announce to the fam.  Fingers crossed!

Whew, I needed this.

My goal for 2012 was to be more positive; specifically in my work life.  Why not?  Things are looking up because I am nearing the end of my tenure in a job I loathe and I am LUCKY enough to have people working to solidify my next opportunity.  Have I mentioned that I have the best work mentors ever?  Seriously, they are all responsible for me not walking into traffic multiple times over the past 10 months.  They have let me vent, see sides to my current role that I could not/would not see, and tell me that better jobs are ahead.  Whew.  Also, currently I work with some of the best people out there.  Real salt of the Earth people who have embraced my wacky ways and made me a part of their family while I was pushing them away (and correcting their grammar).  I am not sure I would have been so welcoming to an outsider like me.  Unless it was for entertainment purposes.  I am so happy to have that family at work (because the job is deplorable).

We have had some shake ups at work recently and it has done nothing but help me find my next role.  Honestly, I went to the dark side (shocker) and just assumed that I would end up going down with the ship because I would be assumed as “damaged goods” but that could not be further from the truth.  Once I opened up and started reaching out to people at work I was overwhelmed by the responses.  I am going to make it.  I am going to make lemonade out of lemons.  I am going to reach my next professional goal.  I am going to be happy and proud in my work again.  Thank goodness!

Granted, nothing is in stone and I still have my current role to work through, but I am making major strides.  And, jacking up something at work today made me realize that just because I may not like my job, I do not know it well enough to underestimate this business.  I had to eat crow today and make some special provisions to ensure that the work stayed on track, but I recovered well.  I handled the business by fessing up, calling in help, and staying late.  You cannot say that I walked away from the challenge.  I could have had an emotional breakdown and lost my shit but I still would have had to stay at work until 6:45pm and I would not have the respect of my managers (or my associates).  I am walking away from this job with my head held high and with people saying, “that girl was crazy, but she handled her shit”.  I will take that.

In the grand scheme of things I am an extremely lucky person – even if I do not always see it.  To me I am always falling, but in the end I fall into something good.  Maybe I do not see it that way in the moment but hindsight is 20/20.  Focusing on what I can control and understanding that showing a happy face cost me nothing.  In fact, it colors my world happy.  Been a while since I have seen that color on me and it looks good!

1. Ordered clothes online (in my defense, I ordered a size down as motivation so I might return pieces because I do not NEED them)
2. I ate out/bad food almost every single day at work last week (in my defense on this one it was announced that our site is closing so we are all being laid off, sigh)
3. We are crazy busy at work so I have not done dishes, laundry, or any cleaning for a week (eek and ugg)
4. I am avoiding telling my tenant that I need to raise the rent at the end of her lease because I just do not want to deal with showing the place/all the crap that comes with getting a new renter (I need to man up and do this ASAP)
5. Yelled at one of my favorite associates because they would not let me walk away when I was upset (points for removing myself from the situation, points taken away for actual yelling)
6. I am currently typing all this crap instead of getting up and cleaning up around my house (sometimes being an adult is all about the decisions we make)
7. Excited to pick up my new computer tonight in case my 22-year-old sales guy is there (just to flirt a little more)
8. I ignored a work message because it was sent during my Birthday dinner from my least favorite associate (I finally answered this morning since yesterday was my ONE off day)

So all the positive work I did on myself week one of 2012 was washed away by my actions this last week.  Dang it.  At least it is early enough in the year for me to turn this around and get things back on track.  I know I keep harping on this, but I promise that if I could find a more fulfilling job everything else will fall into place.  Work is such a big part of our lives and not being happy in what you do for 8+ hours a day can really color your world.

All I can say is that I am working on it.  Hard core.

Here is how I am doing this first week of 2012:

1)  Making every single day a little special!  I am doing pretty well with this one if I do say so myself!  I have done different things to make each day special such as wear a sweater with blingy buttons to work, buy/eat avocados, wear the lacy unmentionables, sing the same Adele song (Rumour Has It) over-and-over again, wear my new pearls, and eat the good cheese.  I like this resolution and hope that I keep it up for a while.

 

2)  Cease my online buying habit.  Ok, I sucked at this one but some of it had to do with resolution #1 and some of it had to do with January being my birthday month and I feel the need to treat myself.  I promise to do better starting…NOW!

 

3)  Eating better to be better!  This one has been pretty good.  Eating better foods, feeling better about things, but no idea if I have made any progress.  When I stated that I wanted to get into a specific skirt by the end of the year one of my friends asked how often I was going to try on the skirt and I realized that I failed at planning how I was going to track this resolution.  So I decided that I was going to weigh myself every Monday and try on the skirt once a month to track progress.  I think I am going to create a spreadsheet to keep my on track/honest.

So that is it.  One week down, 51 to go!

One of the major reasons I put my resolutions out here is so I will be held accountable.  Eek!  That is a double-edged sword.  Reminder: each year I make one easy resolutions, one that will take some time, and a difficult resolution.

Here is my plan for 2012:

#1:  Wear the nice underwear.  Ok, so this one is a little more broad than just underwear but you get the point.  Use the nice stuff I have!  Why wait for a special occasion to wear the nice shoes/jewelry/perfume?  Everyday should be a little special and this is how I am going to make that happen.

 

#2:  No online shopping.  I have a confession: I am an emotional shopper.  When I am bored or upset I shop online.  Having these boxes show up to my house makes me feel so good, but the bills do not.  And let’s be real:  I need nothing.  Not saying that I will never buy anything online, but I will figure out another thing to stave away boredom.  At home it is going to be playing on the Wii or make a piece of jewelry.  At work…I have no idea!  But I am working on it.

 

#3:  Wear the red skirt.  Let me explain; I have this great red skirt that I cannot wear.  Not that I do not have anywhere to wear the skirt, it is more like it will not zip up.  This is a skirt that I bought for the sole purpose of being motivational.  I truly believe that if you put good in you will get good back.  I have been so stressed over work and my bum foot that I have started making some really bad decisions with food and I had not been able to have my “therapy” of working out.  I need to focus on what I can control and get back to a happy place.  The skirt is an achievable goal.  I was going to say lose 50 pounds because basically it is a pound a week for a year, but for me having a visual goal hanging in my closet will keep me on track.  Eek!

Ok, that is it!  They are posted and I cannot change my mind.  Let’s be honest, I am excited to see what happens in 2012.  Not just with me but with my friends and family as well.

Here is what I said I would do:

#1:  De-clutter my house. For real, I need to get rid of some stuff!  I made some progress last year – selling a ton of stuff on eBay and donating even more – but I am so not where I need to be.  Since I have been given the gift of time in 2011, I should be kicking some major tail on this one.  Grump.

#2:  Open an Etsy store for my jewelry. No lie; I have been so stressed recently that I have not even thought about being creative.  Once my house is in order (and you know, I can pay bills again) I plan on getting my creative groove back.  This is a Spring/Summer activity.

#3:  Be more aggressive. In general.  I will be the first to admit that I am a lazy SOB.  This is in all aspects of life and it is not good.  I get comfortable in a situation and I do not bother worrying about it until it is too late.  This goes for my career, boot camp, boys, just everything.  I will sit back and let the world pass me by.  I hate being hurt and I have this idea that if I put myself out there I am going to be ridiculed.  I need to get over that NOW.  So I made it a resolution.  Eek!

So, overall I think I did a fair job of staying true to my resolutions.  Not great, but I did at least hit on each one.

#1:  De-clutter my house.  I sold a ton of stuff on eBay and I donated a whole carload of stuff to Goodwill.  I still have work to do, but I am happy with the progress I made in 2011.

 

#2:  Open an Etsy store for my jewelry.  This one I totally accomplished.  Yes!  www.etsy.com/shop/lovemilliedesigns  Store is open, new beads were purchased, but nothing was actually made.  I am not going to beat myself up over that part.

 

#3:  Be more aggressive.  This one is tricky.  On one hand, I was dealt a bad hand with work but instead of handling it well I have been a bit of a brat.  Everything will work out and be fine (see, I can be positive because I have less than 100 days left in this role) and I have set myself up to find a new role in early 2012.  At work I seriously have the best freaking mentors ever!  They have talked me off of many cliffs this year and I appreciate each of them for their honesty and positivity.  As for the dating scene, I had an online profile and I like to call this Summer my “Summer of Dating” but in the end I canceled my account because I have learned that I need to meet someone organically.  People lie about the silliest things online and if I at least meet them in person first I will not be sitting at dinner wondering what else they are hiding.  I tried.

As for my 2012 resolutions?  You will have to wait until I tell my friends!

Happy New Year’s Eve!  Welcome 2012!

Well, a year ago I would 100% agree.  Now, I think I have a better grasp on…everything and I understand that things happen and you either learn from the experiences and move on or get stuck in the mess and let it define you.  Granted, there are gray areas too, but these are the most common responses.

I am a creature of habit and like to be in control.  This is a bad combination.  Well, a bad combination when life gets uprooted.  I am not the best when core values in my life (house, job, family, friends) are not marching to the beat of the drummer in my head.

The past 24 months have been pretty rough with deaths, lost job, health issues, and a house fire.  There were too many things for me to process and I did not get a chance to recover (emotionally or financially) from one issue before another arose.  It has been an emotional roller-coaster and instead of throwing my hands up and riding the ride I have been grasping the handrails with my eyes shut tight.  I am exhausted.

The recent death of my friend Bryan Raybon has opened my eyes to the life I have not been living.  Let me try that again: the diagnosis of cancer on February 4, 2011, my denial that came with the diagnosis, the realization that Bryan was going to lose the battle, and the living memorial on December 2, 2011 ALL opened my eyes to the fact that I am not living my life to the fullest.  Bryan lost his battle with cancer on December 27th – 11 days after his 33rd birthday.

Today was his memorial service and seeing all the love in that room was overwhelming.  I have never attended a service where so many people – not scheduled to speak – felt inclined to get up and say kind words.  It is a testament to the life Bryan led, his spirit, and his wit.  Bryan and I knew each other through Positive Impact but we really bonded one year after the AIDS Walk when we went to Einstein’s to drink martinis, check out the cute servers, and gossip about our lives.  He would not let me walk to my car on the other side of the park that evening so he drove me to my car where we ended up sitting in his car chatting for another 20 minutes.  His gift was giving people his time.

I am a chicken when it comes to expressing my emotions so I did not tell Bryan my feelings in person during his living memorial but did reach out to him through Facebook.  His response, which I will cherish, is below:

In my note to Bryan I told him that his experience with cancer has opened my eyes to how short life really is and that I have spent too much time being unhappy.  I also promised to live in my car if he would kick cancer’s butt and hang around for the next 50 years.  In 2012 I plan on making some changes, being more positive, and living my life.  My New Year’s Resolutions are going to be jammed packed!

If you feel so inclined, Bryan asked for donations be made to Positive Impact and here is the web address:  www.positiveimpact-atl.org.  At the top of the page there is a “Donate and More” link on the right side of the page.

 

(508):

Well, I’m off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I’m 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like “ohhh THERE’S where I went wrong!!”

 

(715):

I’m drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I’m not drunk. I’m just happy with my life so far.

 

(267):

my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

 

(973):

you had me at cake vodka

Why can’t I quit that site?!  www.textsfromlastnight.com

Taking a break from the regularly scheduled pity party to pass this along:

Go Blue! (I heart Old Navy!)

First step:  I seriously need a new job.

I need a job I can be proud of, one that challenges me, something that keeps me entertained.  Apparently that is a tall order.  But I am working HARD to find it.  I have always worked really hard not to be defined by my job, but that is because at the end of the day I have either really liked my job or had something in my life that has fulfilled me.  I do not have that now.

No one is to blame but myself which is why I am working to dig myself out.

I really hope to dig myself out soon and I am so happy for everyone who has stepped up and put me in touch with others who are looking to hire, are doing something similar to what I want to do, people who can make it laugh.  It all helps.  My goal is to have a new job sooner rather than later – I cannot keep missing important life events while sitting behind a desk.

Whew.  So give me some time and I will be (hopefully) back to normal.